sunflower84's Xanga

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 02:33:54 GMT

I read this in a book that I'm currently reading - Standing Without Shoes:

Depressed people in the Western culture are all too often encouraged to compare themselves to those surviving in poorer countries. Unhappy people crying over lost relationships or unfulfilled dreams are often reminded that they have their health and enough food on the table. Indeed, we are sometimes encouraged to feel guilty for experiencing any unhappiness when we live in such a 'privileged' society. How dare we weep when some people living in developing countries are disabled and hungry but still smiling? How dare we complain about the superficialities of our lives when others are struggling to make it through the day?

The answer to this question is simple. We find suffering in the things in life that we invest ourselves in. We mourn the loss of things that we value in relation to our identities and to our ideas of the meaning in life. If we invest our values in food and water, then we may well be depressed when we do not have enough to eat and drink. Thus, there is no point complaining our lives with those of other cultures and societies without also comparing our values. Indeed just saying 'Think of others less fortunate' is about as helpful a solution to chronic depression as saying 'have a nice day'.

A poor American is living in a society that places value on material wealth and fortune. Thus, to be poor is, in some sense, to have no value. It is harder to be poor and still feel happy when financial status is of value to your culture. It is no wonder that we in the western world marvel at happy faces seen on hungry people in developing countries. It is very hard for us to understand how these people can feel happy and content when they are so lacking in the things that our society values.

The belief that we can attain 'absolute happiness' or that we will be happy 'forever after' sets an impossible, unattainable goal and consequently, will - in and of itself - result in unhappiness. Promises of absolute happiness is a myth, and the simple fact is that you cannot have what does not exist. There will be times when you experience grief, anger or fear. Experiencing the variety of life's emotions can contribute to our emotional fulfilment.

It is an interesting book... paints a story about the misconceptions about happiness. I guess all of us are guilty of thinking that someone or something can make us happy like 'he makes me so happy/it would make me happier to have a new home/be a millionaire/be my own boss/travel overseas'. The book encourages us to own the responsibility for our own happiness and not be subject to vagaries of external events, other people, or life itself. Things and people can contribute to well being but happiness is something you choose to create...or not. Entirely up to u.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 14:45:33 GMT

Hmmm... have you ever feel you look too young for a job?

It's never really crossed my mind that i look young or cute because I feel old....

It has happened once where I was chosen for a project and then I was swapped for another role because bluntly, they think I looked too young. It was then that i realize, yes, compared to alot of people my age or younger, I do look young and "cute".

Although I would hate to look older, but sometimes I can't help but resent the fact that because I look young, I am automatically judged as inexperienced. Especially in the field I am in, I can totally imagine myself walking in and meeting the client for the first time by myself and in their mind they will b thinking... "what's this kid doing here??" Because the moment i open my mouth to greet them... the kiddy voice of mine just confirms their impression. I guess I can't blame them for not taking me seriously.

So yea... I can't deny the fact that i need certain looks to succeed in certain jobs.. But do i wanna look older just to succeed in my job?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 08:10:13 GMT

I have pretty much given up looking at the one and only design Perth apartments seems to have available... the shoe box apartment... yes a box with a few smaller boxes within it labelled master, bath, bedroom 2, kitchen and living. And you pay a minimum of $500k for that shoe box. See below: (done in ppt, i wonder if all perth developers design their apartments in powerpoint too! hahahaha!)

We neeeeeed some new developers.... who would build something like this..

And guess how much the above cost ? It probably costs at least $700k if it was in Perth city. But this is only listed $480k.... for a 2 bed 2 bath in the heart of melbourne city, literally few steps away from bourke st...collins st... ah... the bliss!

..... Stop and stare, i think i'm moving but i go nowhere...

171 days... *chants....Yes I am very patient... I am very patient...*

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 13:12:33 GMT

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?

OH...Can't believe its 10pm! Saturdays always pass way too quickly .... it's not fair !!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:39:08 GMT

I'm in the middle of clocking my 65 hour work week this week. 3 days down... 4 more to go

I was so dreading the week to begin that I actually wished I would just die in my sleep and never wake up to Sunday. In terms of length, this is not the first time for working 65 hours... in fact i've worked from like 9am to 2am everyday (including Saturdays) for a couple of weeks and I've had my fair share of OT both in deloitte and in DTF.

Funny my colleagues in DTF still makes an effort to keep in touch with me. I miss the girls so much and I'm sure they miss me too! HAHA.. maybe not! I do miss my time at DTF as I learnt so much in such a short time and I do feel like although I've upgraded my employer, I've plateued my skills (and income). I miss being able to handle my own projects and not to receive the left over jobs from other people. I know I can do better, but I have just lost all motivation to even try to make the best out of shit jobs. Worst part is, although u hate what u do, u can't say it. Colleagues will always ask you about your project and u have to pretend to sound all enthusiastic. The job satisfaction is so low! I mean compare being able to manage a $90mil contract with over 100 suppliers and eval reports and applications coming left right centre to proof reading, reformatting and preparing documents. Documents which may end up at the bottom of the client's drawer... prolly never looked at again.

Ok, it sounds like I am regretting my move. But i am not. It's a risk I took and will not know how it will turn out if I did not take it up. It's like trial and error. I took up DTF without even knowing what procurement means and I ended up enjoying it and taking up Deloitte is just another step I had to take to know. Perhaps it was the right move, wrong time. Plus, life is made harder bcoz i know exactly where I wud b if i didn't move. I will be half way thru my grad dip in procurement and earning a salary 20k higher than what I earn now.

I was looking through some old pics and realized how much I miss uni days. How me n my perth besties met and grew closer, me, shirlz n tasha going melb n sydney together for a conference trip, happy times, graduations, goodbyes...

I heard a song which I really liked in final yr uni and suddenly all the memories started flooding back. It's funny how final year uni remains so vividly in my head. From removing my wisdom tooth in feb which caused me sooo much pain and misery to breaking up with charles a day before valentine's to shirley n kie coming to kl and us going to genting together to coming back to perth and staying with shirley for a good month or two to moving out alone in march to going to melb and welcoming ah mean to melb on her 1st night... got pretty drunk and all of us warmed her room to a freaking accident when i came back from melb and suddenly added vulgarities to my canto vocab thanks to sebbie to the nights studying in GP3 with kiez n shirley and me crying and calling ah mean about how stressed i was. It was THE year of good times, bad times for me .

Well i've had it pretty good all this while... with great friends by my side all the time, took me less than a month to get my first job, got my PR in 2 months and had an above average starting salary. No wonder i can't seem to cope with what a crap year i am going through now... All this shit about rats having a good year this year in the Year of the Bull... is really... BULL SHIT! Ok.. i am applying alll the aforementioned solely to me and not anyone else ya. So other Rats can surely reject my hypothesis!

Whooaaa.. end of my library shift~ Woots!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:24:10 GMT

I got this in my hotmail today.... what a pleasant surprise.....

Holy moly !!!! Thinking back... i've been using the same hotmail account since i was.... 12 ? So yes... it's been 12 years now... TWELVE !!! Amazing... how the internet has evovled. I remember those days in high school... we have like one or two lyrics site n we used to struggle to find lyrics to put into our "lyric book". Now... u can find any random song... in fact if u hear a song u like on the radio, type in a few words u remember from the lyrics... u will be able to find the full lyrics to the song which title u didn't even know! Youtube... u can find ANY video from all over the world. IRC... does it still exist ? Hahaha.. how awesome life has become with the internet!

I got so bored with life... adamant not to have last week the same as this week and the same as the next week, i decided to spice it up a little bit. Since i can't change anything else in my life that i'm sick of, that leaves me with ONE choice... the hair! I was sick of the brittle ends, sick of drying n styling it, sick of the colour, sick of IT lah... so... ta-dah !!

Weirdly enough, before i cut it..... i didn't care whether it will look good.. i just wanna chop chop chop! First thing after i cut... hmmm.. cudn really recognize myself in the mirror, don't know how to wash my hair coz there's no ends and... although i didnt think it looks good, im like watever la la.. it's a change so hurray! Hehehe.. and it's been 2 weeks now... everyone's 1st sentence to me seems to be about my hair and majority seems to like it. Either that or they r just being nice.. I mean in primary school when we r still honest naive kids, we will say straight to our friends... HAHAHA U LOOK FUNNY! But dats not common practice as adults. Although i would still do it to my besties... but not to my colleagues for sure!!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 13:40:26 GMT

Wow... it's been over a month since i wrote anything here... but weirdly enough, there isn't anything new in my life!! Yesterday was like today, and today is the same as tomorrow.... last month is the same as the current month, and most likely will be the same as the next... Except....the bank account coz, there's like heeeappzzz and i mean HEAPZ of birthdays next month and my car insurance is due to be paid next month! Holy cow !!!

I always wish i would procrastinate less... so that i get more things done in a day.... But somehow, lately, i've always allowed procrastination to win.

And like i've been relentlessly telling everyone how much i hate perth and is so sick of it... (somehow escalated these couple of months), i actually haven't actioned or substanstiated anything. Sometimes i feel like i've set so many escape routes for myself... and the first door which opens... i tend to just jump in. I hate making decisions. I always thought let fate decide, but when fate decides, i always don't appreciate the outcome too much. For example, when deciding whether to stay in perth or move to melb 2 yrs ago... while deciding, i decided to look for a place just in case... and bcoz i ended up with a place rather quickly, i thought... OK.. i will stay in perth without really thinking whether i should move to melb. Another example, while deciding whether to stay with the current employer, i decided to just TRY to apply for another job... when door opens, i jumped in... and o sh!t, i still wanna move to melb or kl. And amidst my thoughts of wanting to go back kl... i will then TRY to apply for a job in KL...and guess what happens if i land that job ?? Will i jump in..... ?? So typical of me... but should i be this typical ??

Ok... i used to be sorta ambitious... u know... high flying professional.... a million n one things i wanna achieve. But now, geezz... i dont know!! I'm thinking.... more of the things i haven't thought before. In other words... lazy and dependent! I want my motivation back.... Currently, i just don't know how far i wanna achieve, and i frequently question myself, if i put this much of effort to go that far.... is that where i wanna be actually ??

I am beginning to think that i do things and live my life like a headless chicken... without pausing to check if that's the direction i really wanna end up in!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 13:57:04 GMT

Hmmm.. i think i survive fine living alone. Remind me of the good old days of living alone in my cute as a button West Perth apartment.

However, age has gotten to me... instead of enjoying nights out socializing, i enjoy staying at home alone. I watch hk series while ironing clothes all day today. How aunty is that?!! But it was good fun. I managed to stay at home all weekend. It was all food, nintendo ds-ing, series, cleaning, painting my toe nails... Ah, i feel like a lady

I wonder when i do move back to kl, will i be able to survive living by myself? Will it be dangerous?

I've been seriously pondering about going back to mlys for good... even if not forever, hopefully for 2-3 years! Maybe if i lose my job, it will be a great opportunity to go back! Hahaha.. a blessing in disguise! Oh well.. just a thought.

Can't wait to start working in the library again. Why must it be 23rd feb... why not tomorrow !!!

I really can't get used to the monthly salary thing... im so used to seeing my bank account increase every week (library one week, DTF the next), now that my wage only comes in once a month, i feel poor for the rest of the other weeks!!! So yea.. starting work at the library would help me feel less "imbalance ccccc....."(quoting ytan's favourite phrase).

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 03:58:17 GMT

Am i ready to part with 7 years worth of pictures and data ? Ready or not, it happened. It was completely my fault.... i have always been careful to back up my files. I made assumptions, i was careless.... now it's too late. Goodbye to 7 years of memories...

Literally, I will have to forget about them.... and move on.

I'm devastated .

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 07:23:53 GMT

Happy New Year to all !!!

Can't believe 2008 has come to an end..... I think so much happened within the year, i sometimes confuse myself whether in happened in the same year as the day i'm in.

I made many choices this year which affects my future and there's no turning back for each of them... in terms of career, relationship, health....

In terms of career, I almost finished my grad year in DTF, decided to forego my scholarship, my good career prospects and good image to join the more well known Deloitte... taking a big risk in hopes of even better opportunities and prospects. Reading so much of the Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, regardless of the outcome, it is the right choice. Quoting Harv Eker, The only time you are actually growing is when you are uncomfortable. If you want to be rich and successful, you'd better get comfortable with being uncomfortable. The more comfort becomes your priority, the more contracted you become with fear. I worked in the Convention Centre and the Library! Oh so much skills which i gained this yr!!

In terms of relationship, I chose to let go completely of someone i have always held on to, trusted and cared for. I may not be able to find someone who would be able to love me like he did forever but the chemistry was lost. Although i hoped we could still remain friends, I guess that is not possible anymore. It was hard to trust another person completely.... and despite the other potentials, I decided to choose to follow a person whom nobody really supported. I had to find my own strength to carry on, and the strength i gained did wonders to my perspective of a relationship. I also learned that if he doesn't love me the way I want him to doesn't mean he doesn't love me at all.

In terms of health, i joined the gym! I gained weight, and could feel the age toll on my health.

In 2008, I learnt the friends who will share both your happiness and sadness and the friends who will only share your happiness. It doesn't mean that they r not worthy of being friends with. Regardless, i still love all my friends... both in kl and perth and other parts of the world.

Oh... all the memories of the year... not all good and not all bad ! Not all happy and not all sad !

Welcome 2009 !!! I wish the new year brings lots of great opportunities in career and relationships and of coz good health and wealth!